


since i looked up to you

by morelikeexisting (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2019 phan, M/M, Other, its mostly brotherly bond tho, outside pov, phan is mentioned dont worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:00:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24837316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/morelikeexisting
Summary: I've been meaning to tell you something, but never had the courage to — it reads — basically, i am gay.And Adrian thinks: this is how he is going to come out? Through a fucking e-mail, and then he laughs, happy and proud and overwhelmed, because confrontation has always been Dan's weakness and this ... this e-mail is so, so Dan.( or the one where dan comes out to his brother )
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 55





	since i looked up to you

**Author's Note:**

> like i said in the tags, it's mostly about the relation between dan and adrian than about phan. give it a try tho, it's not too bad (i hope)

Adrian had gone to sleep quite late last night, and he had full intentions of sleeping in. But then he wakes at nine and blinks the sleep out of his eyes. He wonders why he has woken up because _some_ thing has disturbed him. He then hears his phone buzzing on his bedside table, and he groans, reaching out blindly to retrieve it (he missed a few times but that's beside the point).

He has three texts, all from his mum:

**_Mum :_ ** _did you check your e-mail?_

 **_Mum :_ ** _be nice, okay?_

 **_Mum :_ ** _and show some support_

He stares blankly at his phone screen, thumbs hovering over the keyboard to ask what does she mean? 

He switches his data connection on instead. There's a flurry of notifications, almost immediately. Someone has subscribed to his YouTube channel and someone has DMed him, and there's a single e-mail from his brother. His lips twist into a confused frown as he clicks on it. 

_I've been meaning to tell you something, but never had the courage to,_ it reads, _basically, i am gay._

And Adrian thinks: _this is how he is going to come out? Through a fucking e-mail,_ and then he laughs, happy and proud and overwhelmed, because confrontation has always been Dan's weakness and this ... this e-mail is so, _so_ Dan.

He remembers when he was a kid and all he could see was his older brother. Adrian used to dress like him and style his hair like him and listened to the same music. He used to _worship_ Dan and all his quirks. But then, teenage years happened and he was filled with anger. And when he was harrassed on the internet, it was easier to blame someone. And so he ignored all the calls and the texts and even the _'I'm sorry's_ until Dan stopped trying.

But it's always easier to blame someone, he thinks, and remembers his mother crying in 2010 when Dan was taken to the A&E to get his appendix removed. Dan doesn't know this, but she cried and cried and kept saying _I should be there with him. I should be holding him and telling him he'll be okay._

But she wasn't and Adrian knows that somewhere deep down, his mother still blames herself.

And then he remembers the holiday in February of 2010.

It was Valentine's Day and their whole family was in Goa, in India. Dan had excused himself to his room and their mother told Adrian to go fetch him. The door was ajar and, well, it was as much as Adrian's room as it was Dan's. 

"Dan?" he called out, moving inside. 

Dan had his laptop open in front of him, palm pressed flat against the screen. He was crying, the hardest Adrian had seen him and he was worried.' _I miss you so much_ ' Dan whispered to the screen, eyes red.

"Dan?" he called again, and Dan jumped.

"What are you doing here?!" Dan screeched, jumping away from the laptop as if he had been burnt. 

Adrian winced at the loudness, "Mum called you. We are leaving for the beach, come on."

Dan glanced at the screen. He remained quiet for a minute, and then nodded. "Bye," he whispered, and closed his laptop shut. During the time it took, Dan never glanced at him once. And it wasn't like Dan was ignoring him, it was like he forgot that the world exists. Adrian was 12 but he still understood which his father has failed to understand even now, 9 years later. 

They were going down the staircase and to the hotel lobby when Dan seized him by his shoulder.

"Hey, sorry for yelling earlier." Dan said.

Adrian nodded, and waited, because Dan was worrying his bottom lip with his teeth and it meant that he was contemplating whether he should say what's on his mind, or not.

"Listen, uh," he started, lowering his voice "Don't tell anyone, okay? What you saw in the room — whatever it was — just don't, okay?"

"I promise!" Adrian pinky sweared, and Dan ruffled his hair and told him he'll buy him ice-cream. 

It makes sense now, Adrian thinks, recalling the way Dan's voice softens whenever he talks about Phil. It makes sense now, when he thinks about the way Phil's hand lingers on the small of Dan's back before fully dropping whenever he meets them. He feels grateful, and happy that Dan found someone like Phil, someone who was there for him when no one else was. Not even him.

His fingers fly across the keyboard, typing and backspacing.

 _I love you, and nothing can change that, I hope you know that,_ he has written, _and I am so, so proud. It takes courage to be vulnerable and even more courage to come out. I can assure you that I just want you happy, and you are still my favourite brother (my only brother). All the love, Dan._

He stares at the screen for a minute, before erasing it all. Some things need to be talked instead of sent, and Dan need words, and he needs to heard them.

So he calls him instead.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed!


End file.
